phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
