My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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