can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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