Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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