are you so shy because you have an std?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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