Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
