Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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