come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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