Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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