you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
