I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
