the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
