i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
