Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
where are my eyebrows?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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