im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
what day is it and did you see me today?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
