Michael Bay diarrhea
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
