Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
