Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I had to cum in my sink.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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