How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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