Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize