If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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