I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
