I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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