Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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