the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
