K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize