I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize