his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
