Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
