can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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