so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
