I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
