We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
