your parents love me but you hate me
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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