Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
