I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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