apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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