can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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