i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
