You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
