I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
