I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
