Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I party with great urgency now.
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