Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
