we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
