the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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