Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Houston, we have a squirter
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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