Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
