Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
