I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
