She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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