You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
How external is "for external use only"?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
