I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
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