But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
