i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
