WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
