You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
